Stuck and Overwhelmed

Stuck and Overwhelmed. thats what I feel like. I feel like we are stuck. I know we didn't mention it to very many people, but that was because we didn't know if it would go through or not, but we knew a friend of a friend that is pregnant, and she was considering adoption, and our friend told her about us, and we just got word a few days ago, that she decided to keep the baby. Yesterday, was when I was due with this last pregnancy. There is a lot more with other things, but this is what I am comfortable with sharing on this public blog lol...

Here is some more that I haven't ever mentioned on here before, that I can remember at least....but we had decided that we would start the foster care/adoption process in April, and would work on getting things in our house remodeled before that process....and April is almost here, and we won't be done, but either way, here's the delima. We have been through so much already, and with foster care, there is always the possibility that a child can come into your home, and go back and forth w/their birth parents, and I have to imagine that is even harder than dealing with losing a child, I have never held. I mean, you have a child that is in your home, that you care for, that you love, that you cuddle, to have that child possibly taken from you forever, I don't know if I can deal with that right now, so I think we should adopt straight from an agency so that once we have a child we don't have to deal with the back and forth, and then down the road for child 2,3,4, etc we could do foster care. But the problem with that is the price! agency adoption can cost anywhere from $10,000-$20,000 sometimes more, sometimes less. We don't have that kind of money. Don't get me wrong, I am more than willing to raise money from garage sales, selling my cards, etc. but I don't think that amount is possible from selling my junk and cards lol...I just feel like this is never going to happen. 

I don't feel any closer to having a family today than I did almost 4 years ago, the day after the first miscarriage. I wish so bad God would really help me understand. I don't understand why this has to be so hard for us. Don't get me wrong, I know life has its ups and downs, we all go through hard times, but was losing ONE child not enough, let alone losing TWO children?! How about all the possible adoption situations where the birth mothers all chose to keep their babies, and they were all more closed doors in our life? Now, we have to either endure a lot more hardship and unknown with foster care, or sell all our limbs to adopt a baby, and I think it would be pretty hard to care for, and provide for a child with no limbs lol Sorry, but I feel so overwhelmed we have to laugh, or we would end up in an institution. lol 

By no means am I trying to complain, yes, I have a lot to be thankful for, and trust me I AM!! I just need to write it all out, and am of course open to any ideas, comments, I mean duh, I just posted this publicly. Above all, please keep us in your prayers that we can trust God's plan, and that we will have patience, discernment, faith and the ability to follow wherever God leads us.