Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss awareness day, 4 years ago,almost to the day, we were grieving our first loss, a year ago today we were grieving another loss, but this year...this year is different. Don't get me wrong, I remember our losses, but I no longer dwell in them, wondering why God has allowed us to experience so much pain. As most of you know, we are becoming foster parents and last night at our class we were talking about loss, specifically in the lives of foster children, when they are taken from their parents and everything they know. In the handbook it showed a diagram of how we, as humans, process loss. From shock and anger to bargaining and depression to managing and coping. As I sat there and looked at that chart, I could remember those stages with each miscarriage. The shock, the anger, the bargaining, and with the 2nd loss, even the depression. It sorta hit me like a ton of bricks, but I realized that maybe(plus many other reasons too) God allowed me to feel that pain, so that I will be more equipped to understand what our foster children will be going through!
Tom and I knew God was calling us to be foster parents awhile ago, but then we started letting our human ways take over. Saying things like, "oh maybe it would be 'easier' if we adopted through an agency from infants, or these kids might have special needs, or have 'issues'." Then one day it hit me and I felt so bad, I went running back to God and asked for His forgiveness. First of all, knowingly diverting from what we know God wants us to do, because it might be "easier" is selfish and wrong! Also who am I to say its "easier" it may appear so from the outside, but i've never experienced that either, so what do I know. And lastly, I felt so ashamed that for a split second I thought twice because foster kids have special needs, HELLO, we all have special needs of some sort, and besides God gave His ONLY son, for me, who is flawed and has needs and issues, who am I to judge a CHILD on things he had no part in?! anyways, my point is that now that we are where God wants us, its just so exciting to see things come together, down to the itty bitty things like a couple weeks ago we had to turn in some papers, and went to the office, and the front desk was closed. hundreds of people work in that building and lo and behold, tom turned around to leave, and the one person we know, our licensing worker,was walking through the door. I just love seeing how God brings the pieces together, and think how great is our God, really! last year I was recovering from another miscarriage and grieving a loss of our 2nd child, and doubting God's plan for our life, and felt hopeless, but this year, is different. God is bringing us full circle and we can feel the excitement in our home right now. Part of that is because we love fall, part of that is that we are excited that we will have all the joys of having children in our home soon...but mostly the excitement is seeing God at work in our lives. The excitement is knowing God is doing great things and will be bringing us our family soon. Knowing that in a few weeks(or more) we will have kids in our home! They may be here 6 months, 1 year, or here to stay. Either way we embrace whatever God has for us, knowing He ALWAYS knows best!!
