Jaded Mission

When I started this blog, and was trying to think of a title, I couldn't come up with anything catchy, and besides..most blogs are cute stories, pictures and videos of people's kids...which I didn't fall in the category of...so I finally found "Jaded Mission" and just thought it sounded cool...I confess, I had to ask what "jaded" even meant, lol...but thats not the point... :) so anyways...I was asking my best friend what she thought about it...and she said something to the effect of, thats cool, kinda like your journey to have a family feels like a jaded mission...probably not the exact words, but thats the way I remember it lol...and I thought wow, she's right...this title does fit! I wish so badly I didn't have to say this...but wow...who would have known, it REALLY fits now...even more!

I could go into a long, exhausting post on how I'm sick of this,how disappointed I am that after 3 years of not getting pregnant, and finally deciding to switch my focus to working on me, and just not think about it, then surprisingly getting pregnant out of the blue, just to have this happen AGAIN the day before I was 12 weeks...oh and I've read everything that says once you hear the heartbeat the chance of miscarriage goes down tremendously...well the first time around, i heard a great heartbeat at 7 weeks, second time around heard another great heartbeat, and saw the baby move FIVE DAYS before the baby died...anyways, i'm getting off track...but the point is, no it doesn't seem fair, but life isn't fair, and its not a "why me" thought at all, cuz I wouldn't wish this on my WORST ENEMY!!! Anyways, I won't go into that long post, because first of all, I want to keep or gain blog readers, not lose them lol, and no one wants to listen to me vent, and honestly...this next paragraph is how I really truly feel....

I feel loved, and cherished, and valued by God, my family, my wonderful husband...first of all...last Monday, I was on a high from rejoicing in how great God is, with my blogger friend Melissa, that set the tone for my attitude the rest of the day, but I saw God through the whole ordeal that afternoon/evening...firstly we saw our baby, I won't go into details here, cuz this IS public, but its amazing to see God's creation of such a little life, as surreal as that was...but then secondly, we had fantastic care at the emergancy room...down to a nurse leaving for the day that stopped to help us...who was a nurse from the maternity ward, no coincidence in my mind...anyways...then my parents drove up here Tuesday morning...my dad drove here, just to drop my mom off for the week, and drove back home, then came back that weekend to pick her up...It was such a blessing for her to be here last week...plus she cleaned my house and did some decorating :) anyways, and then Tom...wow...first of all, he is going through the pain of all this as well, but he has been the best husband, I couldn't ask for anyone better...I could write an entire post that would be VERY VERY LONG and detailed on how amazing he is, how he loves me, and how I see God working through him, and so much more...but anyways...

I am so thankful that God has matured me through the last 3 1/2 years because I wasted too much of my life being so angry at God, at Tom, and at myself...all of which I am embarrassed to even admit but I know that anger is part of the grieving process, but I took it to a whole new level, but this time, I am disappointed, and sad, and all that comes with a loss, and a little cynicism, but not an ounce of anger...so believe it or not, but my perspective on this miscarriage is completely different than the first one...

Anyways, i could go on and on, i have a lot to say about a lot of things, but I will stop here for now...thanks for reading!